WRITERS’ FUNNIES

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WRITERS’ FUNNIES

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WRITERS’ FUNNIES

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WRITERS’ FUNNIES

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BRING ON THE FIREWORKS

Soon it will be time to get out the fireworks, set your lawn chair alongside the road and wait for the parade to pass by, to cheer and celebrate, but how many of us really know the reason we’re so happy?

Patriotism or love of country has dwindled somewhat in the United States.   It seems only yesterday that we would decorate our bicycles with red, white and blue crepe paper; we’d line the streets to watch parades; our hearts would swell with pride when the flag was displayed.

I know that God has been a part of our country since its inception.  Christian men signed the Declaration of  Independance which begins with this sentence penned by Thomas Jefferson:

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.”

This set the precedent for the “American Dream.” It nurtured the notion that success comes from hard work, the sweat of the brow and tears of disappointment – but it also contains the notion of never giving up. Somehow, over America’s short history, that dream has turned into a nightmare.   We are a nation of many people – from many nations –from different governments, different cultures, different backgrounds – but with the same hopes for a new start in the land that offers so much to so many.

I remember feeling my heart beat with excitement along with the drums traversing down the street in perfect syncopation. The 4th of July was a special day, because it reminded us of our freedom – free to worship as we please – to speak our minds – to govern ourselves – to live as brothers with those who choose to live and work here.

We all crave freedom. We want the comfort of not living in fear. We desire the security of protection. We long for the hope of peace and contentment. We need to rekindle the pride that our founders had when they signed that amazing document. Our nation is worth so much to us as Americans. There is no other country on earth that allows so much freedom.

As we approach this National day of celebration, we should do as John Adams suggested many years ago.

“…It ought to be commemorated as a day of deliverance by solemn acts of devotion to God Almighty. It ought to be solemnized with pomp and parade, with shows, games, sports, guns, bell, bonfires, and illuminations from one end of this continent to the other…”

The signers of that document set a precedent that has lived for over 200 years. Those who have fought for our country have shed their blood for her. She is worth the fight. Thank God for allowing us to flourish and may He continue to bless our nation and restore our honor for her.

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TALES FROM THE DARK SIDE

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If only life were like a box of chocolates, but alas, I’ve been restricted – mostly self-inflicted – to a life of leafy greens, high protein and a lack of sugar.  I’m not complaining, it’s just tough for an old broad like me to change my eating habits.

At my last yearly physical, I made the mistake of talking about my weight with my doctor. My weight has steadily been rising over the past ten years.  I can’t say it’s because of a sedentary life style, but I certainly haven’t been very good about actually exercising.  Add to that the fact that I love food – especially all the stuff that isn’t good for me.

All my blood work indicates that I’m the picture of health.  I’m even getting rid of a lot of medication I don’t think I need anymore.  Unfortunately, I mentioned my concern for this slow and steady weight gain to my doctor, who apparently hadn’t noticed it.  Of course I know that exercise is the answer.  Blogging doesn’t burn many calories and our little “new” old house takes about fifteen minutes to clean. I even have a free membership to the YMCA because I’m a senior citizen.

Why is the resistance so great?  I know I feel better when I’m moving.  I know all the stuff about dieting.  Its been a lifestyle since I was a teenager.  I know all about Paleo, South Beach, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig and all the other diet plans out there.  Maybe I resist because I’m tired of following the rules, but that’s a whole different story.

In fact, this entire post is the result of not wanting to talk about ants anymore.

 

 

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WRITERS’ FUNNIES

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JULIE’S FRIDAY FUNNY

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INVASION

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Yesterday we experienced some torrential rain – enough so to push several inhabitants out of their homes and into ours.  “Consider the ant,” says Proverbs 6:6.  In that little passage we read how the sluggard – or the lazy one – should take a look at the industriousness of this little creature and learn.

I had a clue that we might be subject to ants in the house when we moved into our little new “old” domicile.  There were a few ant traps in the cupboards – first clue.  Second clue came when I realized the soil around our new old house is very, very sandy – the perfect landscape for these little critters.

It really is amazing how these creatures thrive even in adversity.  I mean their entire metropolis was wiped out in a single rainstorm and still they prevail.  They found entrance to a nice dry abode and have been sending out signals to their friends to hop on the Boecher café.  Word is out, folks.  It will be no time at all and we’ll be surrounded by little ants in army helmets, taking siege over our sweet little castle.

So we have set our own bait.  Terro to the rescue.  It’s really interesting to see them swarm to this stuff – belly up to the bar as they say.  They hang around for a while and then unknowingly make their way back to the rest of their tribe and poison them as well.

I can’t imagine getting rid of an entire army with just a tiny drop of poison, but it does seem to work.  At least it will until the next rainstorm.

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WHEN FEARS OVERTAKE US

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“This world of ours… must avoid becoming a community of dreadful fear and hate, and be, instead, a proud confederation of mutual trust and respect.”  Dwight D. Eisenhower

When I was a young woman of 21, I lost my job as a media/research secretary, because the company went bankrupt.  Even at that young age I was learning some valuable lessons about the advertising business and how fickle it can be.  I put my application in to several businesses and was blessed to find another s job much closer to home.  I would now be working as an assistant to the manager of a finance company.

The world was crazy at that time – much like today.  There were riots in the streets, discontent, hatred and assassinations occurring almost weekly. The sixties were years of revolution, resistance, anger and rage.  Police were laying their lives on the line daily.  Drugs were infiltrating society at a much faster rate than ever before.  More and more women were entering the work force and demanding equal pay for equal jobs.  They had declared their own war for feminism.

During that time, I was preparing for my wedding.  In spite of all the turmoil going on around me, I wasn’t afraid, because I knew that my life was headed in the right direction.  Then one day,  two men in ski masks entered the building.  They told us to open the cash drawers and lay down on the floor.

My short 21 years flashed before me like a lightening bolt.  As I tried to open one of the cash drawers, the key jammed and it was impossible to do so.  I was told to hit the floor.  In that fraction of a second I had no choice but to oblige the two thugs.  A lot of shuffling around and then silence as the thieves left the building.

This wasn’t the end of the incident.  Police were called, and since I was the only one who really got a look at the perpetrators, would have to go look at mug shots.  The week continued with a line up and a story in the local newspaper about the incident.  The story named me as a witness and listed my address as well!  Talk about fear.  Not only had I suffered through a robbery, I would now be wide open to any retaliation from the enemy.

It was time for some serious prayer.  Why do we wait until it’s a tough time in our life to fold our hands?  Why must we try so hard to figure out solutions to our situations, rather than ask the Creator of the universe for help?  We’re all faced with fears throughout our lives – some small and some not so much.  If we go to the Lord in prayer, He will give us comfort.  He has also promised to answer prayers in His own way and time, so we should put our complete trust in His words and promises.

 

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WRITERS’ FUNNIES

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SNAP CHAT PIGGIES

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For the last couple days, I’ve been spending some real quality time with my 14 year old granddaughter.  She and her family will be gone on vacation for a while and it was her idea that we hang together this week.  Of course I was delighted.

This is such an important time in both of our lives.  I’ve watched her grow from an active little baby with jet black hair (and lots of it.)  I’ve watched as her confidence grew during her time of performing on the stage in my little children’s theater group.  I’ve seen her strong will, her moods swinging and her independence develop, as she entered this new stage of womanhood called puberty.  It just so happens to coincide with her mom’s pending menopausal moments, along with my aging attitude adjustments.

Life is filled with these “moments” as we travel through life as a woman.  There are ups and downs and times of dreaming and dreams broken.  There are those minutes when it seems you have it all together, and the hours in which you sort through the mess.  Maybe one generation can help the other through each of these stages – at least encourage them that it won’t last forever and to enjoy the journey

Being a woman isn’t all bad though.  Like the times when your granddaughter calls and asks you to hang with her for a while.

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NOT MY PLAN

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Each day brings good intentions, but it isn’t long before all of our noble hopes take a hit as reality sets in.

You stumble out of bed – stub your toe on the night stand – limp to the bathroom – freak out as you look at the reflection in the mirror – attempt to cover the circles under your eyes – brush the five remaining teeth in your mouth – sit down to write inspiring words only to draw a complete blank.

You might be a young parent and have every intention of potty training your two year old, cleaning up the dishes from last night’s dinner, sorting the socks that never match. Seems like these things shouldn’t be that difficult until the washing machine breaks down, another child has a fever and you have run out of coffee.

If you’re fortunate to have a job, you shower only to find that the dog’s shampoo has replaced your soap on a rope and you have an important client to meet for lunch. You miss your bus – it’s raining – you don’t have an umbrella and no one told you that your red tie would bleed onto your white shirt. When you finally meet that client and offer to pay the tab all you have in your wallet is Monopoly money.

Our first reaction might be to go back to bed before going any further with our daily tasks. We might just lay a guilt trip on ourselves to compensate for circumstances beyond our control. We could blame others for our plight or we could do the one thing that always seems to be a last resort. When you’re having a bad day – turn it over to the one who invites you to lay your burdens on His shoulders.

We are people who like to think of ourselves as self-sufficient. We are goal oriented and often push the limits to achieve success. We forget that no matter how hard we try, we aren’t in control of the inconveniences that plague our lives from time to time.

If this is your life, or if your circumstances are even more bleak and hopeless than those that I’ve mentioned, there is relief for you too. If your mistakes have put you into dire financial straits; if your addictions have taken over your life; if you are a member of the military and haven’t seen your family other than on Skype; if you have experienced the loss of a loved one – a broken relationship – a terminal disease; if you don’t feel worthy to approach the throne of God – think again.

God loves us so much that he gave up everything so that we could have it all. Instead of waiting, begin your conversation with Him today. Start by saying, “I’m sorry.” He loves to hear those words.

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WRITERS’ FUNNIES

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WRITERS’ FUNNIES

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QUIT YOUR BELLY ACHING

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Woke up early yesterday morning with a bit of a tummy ache, which turned into a full fledged stomach flu of some sort.  Believe me when I tell you, when you reach my age, a hangnail is cause for alarm.  Fortunately I had an appointment for my annual physical and my doc put my mind at ease.  Nothing but a bug,

I really enjoy going in for my yearly exam, because I have a wonderful doctor.  Fortunately she’s young enough that she will most likely outlive me, so I can count on her for a while.  She always has just the right things to offer as far as solutions are concerned.  Since I’m generally healthy as a ox and built like one too, she suggested a weight management program for me as well.  This wasn’t a shock to me, since I’ve been overweight for most of my life, but the thought of being fully retired and quite a bit more sedentary, has put the fear of obesity into my brain.

Just like any bad habit, dieting has become a way of life for me up until the past 5-10 years and now it’s gotten the best of me.  When you reach that point it’s time to do something positive about it.  That doesn’t mean going out to eat to celebrate.  I know that the older I get, the more difficult this is going to be.

I plan to start getting into a regular work out plan.  I will also do some walking with my granddaughter and my husband.  I know the secret to losing weight is less calories and more exercise.  My life prior to retirement was more of a 60 hour work week for most.  I now finish writing in about two hours a day and have a whole lot of day left.  So it’s time to fill it with quality activities that will hopefully bring my weight back to normal.

I know this is going to be hard, but like I said, I’ve been dieting for most of my life.  I should know how to do it by now.  I will need lots of encouragement and positive thoughts, so please pray for me.

Before I get started, I’m going to make myself lunch.  Don’t worry – it’s a salad.

 

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WRITERS’ FUNNIES

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PRAISE GOD

This is the day the Lord has made.  Let’s us rejoice and be glad in it!

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LEFT FOR DEAD

dead.pngLast fall, my husband bought a beautiful hydrangea plant for the front of our new “old” house.  I was so ecstatic, because these are my favorite plants and it seemed the perfect spot for this bloom adorned bush.  Winter came and went and the now dormant looking plant showed no sign of life.  I waited.  I contacted my cousin, who is a master gardener and she told me to wait some more.  I waited some more.

Another month passed and then another.  At the beginning of June, we finally gave up and admitted that there was no life in the plant.  So we dug it up and replaced it with a new one.  Just for the fun of it, I planted the old carcass in the backyard garden, with no real hope of life returning.  Yesterday, when I went out to water the gardens, I noticed a small, green leaf protruding from the base of the plant.  It was alive!

It got me to thinking about how when we’re connected to Jesus (our vine and lifeline,) we thrive and live.  When we move away from that vine, we whither and die.  The lesson of the vine and branches came to mind.

“Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me.”  John 15:4

This lesson from the Son of God is so true.  When we remain connected to Him, we have life – eternal life.  When we’re separated, the life is sapped out of us.  We can go through the motions of living, but our joy is destroyed.

When I gave up on that hydrangea bush, I had lost a little faith in God’s tender care, even of a dead plant.  God doesn’t give up on us.  We’re always on His mind and in His loving hands.  When we’re tightly bound to Him, we can be sure of His mercy as well.

So I learned a few lessons yesterday.  First, always abide in the Lord, for He will give us life.  Second, don’t give up on a dead looking plant.  Third. perseverance pays off.  I now have two hydrangea plants.  Woo hoo!

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THE WORLD IN DARKNESS LAY

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His hand reached for the oil lamp in the darkness of night, but remembered that he had not filled it the night before.  He was enveloped in the deepest darkness he had ever experienced. He strained to see even a tiny glimpse of light – just a faint whisper – Nothing. He groped, but still the blindness which had overcome him, left him hanging only to his other senses, and even they were permeated with the sullen blackness.

Usually after a time in a dark place, his eyes would’ve adjusted and eventually some semblance of his surroundings would appear, but not on that night.  It had been a week of impossibilities.

He groped and felt his way around the room, knowing that his family lay asleep there, but here in this pitch black abyss he felt so alone – so lost. Maybe if he could just reach the door and open it, a tiny sliver of light might steal its way into his humble home.

Finally he felt the latch and opened the heavy wooden door. On the other side – more darkness, obliquity – only the stench of the last few days lingered in the dank air which surrounded him.  This continued for three days and nights.  The blackness of night could not be interrupted. Even as morning approach, the sun was hidden from view.  The weight of it was more than anyone could bear.

When would this end? When would his eyes be free to view his surroundings? He didn’t deserve this punishment. Had someone come in the depths of his sleep and plucked his eyes out?  Yet, there was no pain – only helplessness.  Hopelessness encroached his heart.

Exodus 10:22-23 “So Moses stretched out his hand toward heaven, and there was pitch darkness in all the land of Egypt three days. They did not see one another, nor did anyone rise from his place for three days, but all the people of Israel had light where they lived.”

To live for three days in complete darkness must have been unbearable. We panic when the lights go out for a few minutes and our minds shut down after an hour or more, but we rarely experience complete or total darkness.

Can you imagine the fear that would enter your mind? Can you acknowledge your faith faltering – your courage failing – your hope dissolving into the murkiness? We are lost without light.

When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:12 

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