I’ve decided to use Saturdays to bring a laugh or two to my audience. In these perilous times we certainly could use something to lift our spirits.

When I as a young girl, still living under my parent’s roof, I always wondered about those labels that appeared on mattresses, pillows, furniture, etc. and why they proclaimed in bold letters, “DO NOT REMOVE UNDER PENALTY OF LAW.” I’m sure you’ve seen them. I wondered how they could possibly enforce such a law once the product got into your possession. My mother took it even a step further. She was convinced that if she ever removed one of those tags, she might be spending time in prison. When one of us was going to remove one, she went ballistic. She ran to the windows and closed the drapes, making sure that no one had observed this crime in progress. My mom was a saint, but she did some really funny things. I think I may have inherited some of her DNA.

Those tags are not easy to remove. I know – I’ve tried. OK don’t rat on me! They’re usually sewn into the fabric and once you cut into the stitches, you’re releasing the seam and all the stuffing comes falling out, leaving the cushion lifeless. Could that lead to a criminal offense? Like label homicide?

As we get older there are so many things that are difficult to remove, open or lift. Take those gallon jugs of juice, milk or whatever. Even the mouthwash bottles come with childproof (and senior proof) tops. I’ve learned that if I want to rinse out my mouth, the top better not slip back into its original position or it might take me a day to reopen it. Pill bottles are much the same. In the hope of preventing mishaps for children, the manufacturers have made them impossible for us old fogies to open as well. Then there’s clothing. I’ve noticed that many shirts now are label free, which is great in my opinion. Those nasty little tags can become a nuisance so I would generally cut them off, which made it even more uncomfortable. Besides, now everyone can see you are a size 2X through the shirt you’re wearing. It’s easy to understand why us old folks get so crabby at times.

I must admit that efforts have been made to solve some of these problems for us elderly. For example, there is a contraption that’s supposed to help you reach something that’s situated out of your reach. Nice try, except if you’re reaching for a bag of flour, it might be too heavy for you to lift. Have you ever seen a white haired, white faced, flour drenched, older woman? It’s not a pretty picture. Actually, I contrived my own resource for opening bottles that seem impossible. I have an old metal nutcracker in the junk drawer that works great. I hate to admit that I’ve tried and failed at many of these situations, but it sure makes for funny stories.

Have a great Saturday!